Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
If
you think that sometimes you sabotage your own efforts to make change
by your own actions or fears then don't worry - you are not the first
person and fortunately there are techniques that you can use for helping you to
overcome these inhibiting or negative features in a practical manner.
As a first exercise, think
of a change in behaviour that you would like
to make. Then draw up a table in the form below, listing
on the one
side the Advantages that you can see for yourself in making the change.
On the other side list the Disadvantages for you of changing - also
known as the payoffs of your current behaviour, however irrational it may seem - be sure to
be honest with
yourself! An example, adapted from an actual situation with one of my
former clients, is given below:
EXAMPLE of CHANGE EXERCISE
THE CHANGE I WANT TO MAKE IS:
"To stop shouting at my partner or children"
ADVANTAGES OF MAKING THIS CHANGE |
DISADVANTAGES OF MAKING THIS CHANGE |
|---|---|
1. Calm and stable environment for our children and us. 2. I would feel happier and not so stressed all the time. 3. My health would be better - stress is not good for you! 4. I would be closer with my family. |
1. I am worried that my partner might mistake my calmness for a weakness and take advantage of me. 2. I am scared that my children might grow up out of control and not make anything of their life. 3. It's a risk to let people know that they have hurt me, whereas if I act hard nosed and angry, people won't know they have hurt me so I don't need to worry about it. 4. I have always shouted in the past and I am worried that if I change I will lose my identity and not know who I am anymore. |
To the outsider looking at this list, some of the disadvantages listed
may seem irrational, but to the person experiencing these thoughts and
feelings they are very real.
What is important is to get
the disadvantages of changing out into the
open. If they seem very large to you, then:
- Remind yourself of what the advantages of change will be and
- Think of what you can do or what you can say to yourself when the negative thoughts (the disadvantages of change) arise, to help you keep them under control
- Try implementing change on a step by step by process, not imagining that you will necessarily be able to completely change your behaviour permanently in one go.
In the
real life past situation on which the above example is based, the client did
in the course of a few coaching sessions manage to gain
control of their behaviour and make the desired change and as a
consequence their partner's behaviour towards them also become much
more positive and their children's anxiety reduced!
Assess the Fear, Plan
for it and Make a Decision
Another way in which people can be inhibited from
making progress is because of their fears about taking risks.
People sometimes mention to me the title of the well know self help
book Feel the Fear and
Do it Anyway.
My advice is not quite so extreme! It is
instead:
- Assess the Fear (How realistic it is and what it is about)
- Plan a Strategy for dealing with the fear (e.g. to reduce risks or have contingency plans)
- Then Make a Decision as to whether you are going to act and make a change notwithstanding your fears
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