Ways of Improving Your Self Esteem -
A Special Report
This webpage provies a special report on how to build your self esteem taken from the appendix to a 70 page ebook on building self esteem. For further details of the eBook go to: Dealing with Low Self Esteem
This report introudces you to some simple techniques for helping you to improve your self esteem. If you are to achieve the best results from them it will be neceessary for you to practise them consistently, to monitor those techniques which are most effective for you, to be patient and to sustain motivation. The help of a coach can be invaluable in helping you to achieve that consistency, evaluation and sustained motivation.
Understanding Self Esteem
The Two Aspects of Self Esteem
Self Esteem has two sides to it:
- How you value yourself &
- How happy you are with the way you are
If you experience low self esteem you probably have a self image which involves you:
- Not valuing yourself and your own worth very highly AND/OR
- Paying more attention and attaching more significance to the aspects of yourself with which you are unhappy than to those aspects which you feel are OK.
If this applies to you, then you may find it leads you to act in certain ways that cause problems for you and sometimes for others, for example:
- Not paying sufficient attention to your own needs and wants
- Finding it difficult to communicate effectively in relationships
- Saying 'Yes' to requests from others which you do not really want to meet or do not have time to meet
- Feeling bad about yourself and guilty if you do not achieve something you promised or act in a a way which you feel you should or ought to do.
Where Does Low Self Esteem Come from?
Self esteem is part of our self image. Our self image develops during our childhood and is the combination of our own natural personality features together with the messages and influences we receive from those around us about how we should act and feel about ourselves.
People who experience sustained low self esteem have usually experienced one or more of the following factors in their childhood:
- Parents (or other primary caregivers) who have unrealistic, high expectations of what their children should and can achieve
- Parents who, for whatever reason, apply excessive criticism, negative comparisions or labels to their children (or to one child)
- Parents who find it difficult to give appropriate warmth, love and acceptance to their children, or who abuse their children in one or more ways (emotional, psychological, sexual, physical, or through neglect)
- Parents who are too preoccupied with their own issues and concerns to be able to pay sufficient attention to the needs of their children
- Parents who themselves have low self esteem and whose behaviour the child copies (usually unconsciously)
- Rejection or factos similar to the above experienced at the hands of other children or from adults who play a part in your development (e.g. teachers or relatives).
Media messages about your gender, race, sexual orientation, culture, or other features can also play a part in giving you a negative self image or low self esteem.
It is also possible to develop low self esteem as an adult. If for example, you experience a traumatic event, or if you do an action about which you subsequently feel guilty.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR SELF ESTEEM AND SELF IMAGE!
Just as people's self esteem can decrease as adults, so the converse is true: Your self esteem can improve. This may happen because of positive situations or events in which you have a role but it can also happen because of things that you choose to do. You can learn to change your thought patterns and ways of acting through the application of particular techniques, some of which are described below.
YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR SITUATION AND BEGIN TO MAKE CHANGES BUT BE PATIENT.
Improving Self Esteem
In overall terms, to improve your self esteem it will usually be helpful to practise:
- Substituting positive statements about yourself in place of negative ones where you can reasonably do so
- Assessing and questioning the validity of negative statements you make about yourself or about situations in a reasonable and measured way
- In general, adopting a positive and constructive approach towards other people without necessarily feeling that you have to believe or accept everything they say.
The following are more specific suggestions for how you can being to do this. Some of the self esteem tips may be more relevant to you than others. Focus on the ones which appear most relevant to you.
Self Esteem Tips
Self Esteem Tip No 1
Modify Negative Things You Say about Your Own Faults or Weaknesses
Make a list of 2-3 specific situations that have occurred recently or might typically occur, which might lead you to make a negative judgement about yourself. For each situation, list the likely negative judgement and then alongside list some positive alternative statements you could say to yourself. The positive alternatives may for example be:
- Comments which moderate the extremit of the negative statement or
- An expression of intent to change what you feel is negative in a reasonable way without putting too much pressure on yourself.
An example of your potential list is given below:
| Negative Judgement about Yourself | Positive Alternative Statements |
|---|---|
'I am stupid' |
'With hindsight, I can see that I could have acted differently. I will try to do so next time.' 'Sometimes I act in a stupid way, but in other situations I do show intelligence.' 'I made a mistake which I regret. What can I learn from this situation?' |
'I never do anything I say I will' |
'On this occasion I didn't do what I said I would, but in fact sometimes I do. I will think of actions to try to help me not leap into committing myself in future.' 'I did part of what I said, although I didn't complete the whole task. Next time it may be a good idea not to promise so much.' 'I am very good at doing certain things [specify examples], but in this part of my life I am not so good at it.' |
'I am a failure' |
'I didn't achieve what I hoped for on this occasion.' 'I will reflect on whether I want to try again or to leave this and move on to something I can do better.' '60% success is better than 0% success.' |
Self Esteem Tip No 2
List Some Positive Things about Yourself
Increasing the number of postiive statements you say to yourself about yourself (your 'positive self talk') will help to reinforce your recognition of the good aspects of yoruself and thereby improve your self esteem. You don't need to say anything that is not accurate (Don't say you are the world's greatest ballet dancer or footballer if you are not!). Just remind yourself of specific, simple, good qualities or abilities that you have.
Keep a list of the qualities. Your list might start off with just 2 or 3 things, say as follows:
- I have a mischievous smil
- I cook a good vegetable biriani
- I provide a stable background for my children to the best of my ability
Recite your list to yourself 2-3 times a day, ideally at a regular time, e.g. when you get up and when you go to bed
Practise reciting the qualities and abilities on the list when you look in the mirror.
You will probably find it artificial to do this at first, but it is important to keep it up. What you are doing is retraining your mind to think well of yourself.
Keep the list somewhere where you can refer to it regularly to remind yourself of what is on it, e.g. in your handbag or briefcase.
If you have difficult in thinking of things to put on the list, then ask friends or relatives to let you know what they think are your abilities and qualities and add these to the list.
Add to the list every time you notice something that you do successfully or are good at.
After a few weeks, your list will build up. Keep it going!
Self Esteem Tip No 3
Try to Avoid Comparing Yourself to Others
If you are tempted to compare yourself to others and feel that you are less good or second-rate, then try to do the following:
- Remind yourself that you are valuable as a human being for yourself and your uniqueness
- Tell yourself that your happiness is about you developing at your own pace in your own way, not about you proving yourself to be better than others
- Remember that you can be happy without being perfect
- Focus on doing what you find rewarding and relaxing for yourself, provided it doesn't unreasonably harm others, ratyher than on what you feel you ought to be doing to achieve the same or better recognition than others
- Remind yourself that others who are successful may not necessarily be happy.
Self Esteem Tip No 4
Be Wary of Too Many Commitments
If you find yourself taking on too many tasks, or saying 'Yes' to requests from others which later on you are unable to fulfil or which take up time you would like to spend doing something else, then try the following:
- When you are tempted to say 'Yes' automatically to a request, instead say 'I'll think about it and get back to you', or some other phrase that gives you time to assess the situation
- Then assess the following:
- What are the costs and benefits if I do what is requested?
- How likely is it that I would carry through my commitment?
- Is there a compromise proposal I could suggest whereby I do part of the task, or share it?
- Once you have reflected on these factors then give the person who has made the request a response based on that assessment. Don't commit yourself to doing the taks unelss the likely benefits outweigh the costs and it is probably that you will complete the task.
Self Esteem Tip No 5
Take Time to Give Reasonable Compliments to Others
At first sight this tip may seem to be contrary to Tip 3 above or to your aim of helping to improve your own self esteem. In fact the tips are completely consistent. The point to remember is that you are not in competition with anyone else. It is OK for you to compliment others (as long as you don't overdo it, in which case they may thnk you are trying to get something from them!) and the likely benefit is that they will feel good and therefore respond to you more positively too.
Make sure that compliments you give are accurate and specific. If you say something which is exaggerated or which you don't really belive, the person you are complimenting may not believe it, or it may come back to haunt you when you later have to retract it.
See the example below:
Example 1: Exaggerated compliment
'You are always helpful.'
Example 2: Accurate specific compliment (Recommended)
'Thank you for helping me to move the furniture out of the garage the other day. That was very helpful.'
Building Self Esteem - Conclusion
There are plenty of ways of working to improve your self esteem. This Report has included some initial ideas.
For further information about the downloadable ebook on dealing with low self esteem of which this special report forms the appendix, click on the link below:
Dealing with Low Self Esteem