Stopping Negative Thoughts
This is a short article giving some ideas on how to get rid of negative thoughts, such as you might find in positive thinking courses.
Negative thinking can hold you back from achieving what you want or can lead you to be over self critical or too judgemental about yourself. This article focuses in particular on dealing with negative self critical thoughts.
The general coaching approach used in positive thinking courses is often similar to elements of cognitive behavioural stress therapy treatment, which can be very effective in helping people to overcome or deal with anxiety disorders, low self esteem or pressurising and stressful thoughts or situations.
Negative Thinking and Positive Thinking
Do you ever find yourself using words such as should or must to describe how you wish you had acted or want to act?
If so, you are probably using up a
lot of emotional energy and may well be focusing in a negative rather
than a constructive way on a particular situation. We all do this at
times, so try not to be too critical of yourself if you have this tendency, but why not see if you can
begin to change and find a new way of thinking and a different more positive course of action?
Imagine for example that you are in a situation where you feel that you should spend
more time with a friend or partner because they are going through
difficulties or are lonely. If you don't manage to do what you feel you should do then you may
become annoyed with yourself and perhaps feel
guilty or inadequate at having failed to do what you feel you ought to do. Are these negative feelings going to help you to act
differently? In most cases, probably not - they just make you feel
worse and that in turn may even make you behave in a more negative way towards
the other person.
So what can you do if you are experiencing this kind
of situation?
First of all, identify when you are telling yourself that you should or ought or must act in a particular way.
Secondly, identify what are the actual choices open to you in the situation and the realistic consequences
that are likely to flow from these choices. In identifying the
consequences, try not to exaggerate.
For example, if another person is putting moral pressure on you to do something or to act in a certain way, then they may suggest to you that the consequences are actually much more extreme than they are. In the example given above of a friend who is going through difficulties or is lonely, it is possible that the friend will suggest that if you don't spend time with them then their life will be terrible.
A more realistic assessment of the situation may be that they will not like it, but that it is within their control to find another way of occupying their time. Alternatively, they may do the opposite and tell you you don't need to spend any time with them. Whichever way it is, you have a choice to make, so try to consider the possibilities rationally.
Thirdly, try to give a realistic estimate of the likelihood of you
doing each of the different possiblities - for example, if you are very
busy or very tired, you may recognise that realistically even with the
best will in the world you will have to limit the time you
give to certain actions which are not priorities for you at the time
being (You may of course then reflect on how you might free up more
time in the future or reassess your priorities. Try to do this at a
reasonable pace and in small steps if it seems a daunting prospect to
do it in one go).
Try to make a rational decision about what you intend and want to
do based on your assessment of the genuine realistic consequences
of
your action together with the likelihood of you being able to act in
the way desired, rather than reacting emotionally and quickly in the
heat of the moment, without thought. If someone is pressurising you for
an immediate response, then if possible say that you need to think
about it before getting back to them.
If it seems appropriate, you may try to find a possible course of action which is a compromise between two different courses of action or a step towards the ultimate goal rather than the whole of it (e.g. rather than spending a whole day doing a particular activity you might decide to devote 2 hours to it which could be more achievable currently).
Sometimes it can help to acknowledge that there may not be a perfect choice - you are just trying to make a reasonable choice in the circumstances.
Once you have made the decision as to what you intend to do, try to
carry it through (if the likelihood of you doing so is less than 7 or 8
out
of 10, try to find a way of increasing its likelihood or else modify
the
action decided on, to make it more achievable). If you do not succeed,
try not to be over critical of yourself - we all make mistakes - see if
you can think of of a way of increasing your motivation next time or
evaluate your choice again to see whether you may decide to make a
different choice now.
If you manage to do the action you have decided on, then congratulate
yourself! If you do not manage to carry it through, try to learn
from what happens, so that next time the chances of you achieving the
outcome you want are increased if you decide you still want to pursue that outcome.
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