Owning Your Fears
Sometimes people fail to express themselves or to object or request a change in the way someone else is acting towards them, because of anxiety or fear of the consequences. Here is a simple exercise for helping you to begin to identify your fears and see what choices you have to deal with them. The acronym “OWN” stands for:
O ptions
W orst Case
N ow
1. Options
The first step in the exercise is to draw up a list of the options available to you and to highlight for each option, the Pros and Cons of trying out that option. Usually one of the options will be to continue behaving as you have been, or to do nothing. Start off by writing that down and identifying the advantages and disadvantages of that.
You might use the model for a work-related issue: for example, if your boss has given you some extra work which you don’t feel you have time to do, but you are not sure if you should object because you are worried about the consequences. You can also use it for personal relationship issues as in the example below:
Relationship Example
Let us imagine your relationship with one of your parents has always been difficult – for example, that your mother is often critical of you.
Consider a situation in which you have just split up with your partner and when you tell your mother about it, her response is to suggest that your partner was the best thing that ever happened to you and how could you ruin that relationship like all the others. Imagine that because you don’t like confrontation and argument, you haven’t said anything in response to this, even though you feel hurt by it and angry.
Draw up a list of actions available to you, starting with the option of doing nothing. List the pros and cons of each option, trying to be as objective as you can.
If you have difficulty in thinking about what the pros and cons of each option are, then you can try to imagine what you would say to a friend in this situation are the potential advantages and disadvantages. Your list might, for instance, look like this:
|
Pros
|
Cons
|
|
| Option 1: Do Nothing & Continue in the Relationship as I have always done | I have been in this situation before. I don’t’ like it, but at least I am not taking unknown risks which I am worried might make things even worse. |
- I will continue to feel angry and upset inside
- My mother’s behaviour is unlikely to change if I do nothing
- I may feel that I am pathetic because I have done nothing |
| Option 2: Don’t overtly challenge my mother but start to distance myself from her, having less contact | By having less contact with my mother there would be less opportunity for her to put me down. |
- My mother may react adversely, e.g. by criticising me for not contacting her
- I may feel guilty |
| Option 3: Raise the issue with my mother and explain to her how I would like her to act differently |
- I would be showing that I can be a more proactive positive person
- I would be expressing my feelings
- My mother might understand me better
- My mother might begin to change her behaviour |
- My mother might react even more angrily and be even more critical of me
- I might feel that I had been unfair to her |
| Option 4: Ask another family member – my father or sister/brother to raise the issue with my mother | My mother might get a better idea of my feelings and might change her behaviour |
- I would be relying on someone else to act on my behalf and would not have control over exactly what they said or whether they put the point across in the way I would like
- I would only know about the conversation at third hand rather than being there and knowing what really happened
- My mother might not change her behaviour |
2. Worst Case
Once you have drawn up your list of options and pros and cons, ask yourself which option you would choose if you were the kind of “assertive” person you want to be, bearing in mind that an assertive person is someone who:
- Expresses their views clearly and articulately without being aggressive
- Stands up for their own and other people’s rights in a reasonable and clear way
- Allows other people a reasonably opportunity to express their opinions without allowing them to dominate a conversation.
Let’s assume that in the current example you decide that an assertive person would choose Option 3, but you are wavering about it because of your fears about the possible consequences. Own up to your fear and ask yourself the following set of questions:
- What is the worst that could happen if I act assertively?
- How likely as a percentage is it to happen?
- If it does happen will it still be worth me having acted assertively?
3. Now
Having set out the options available to you, their pros and cons and the worst case scenario if you act assertively, decide now on what you are going to do.
Weigh up the pros and cons of each option, the likelihood and downside of the worst case scenario and decide on balance which option you want to try.
Once you have decided which of your options you are going to try, ask yourself:
- What will help to ensure that I carry out the action (e.g. setting a specific occasion or time to do it might help or carrying a list with you of the possible benefits of doing it, to refer to, or writing a preparatory script of what you might say if the option is going to involve you in speaking)?
- Will it help me to get support from someone else – e.g. explaining what I am going to do to a trusted friend – or may this hinder me?
- Do I want to take the course of action all in one go, or do I want to try to break it down into steps or smaller actions in some way.
Once you have made your decision then try out the chosen action(s).
If your choice is to do something differently from what you would usually do, then remember that what you are doing is trying something out. If it doesn’t work as well as you hoped, then afterwards review whether to try it again or to try a different approach. If it does work well, then you may want to try a similar approach in other similar situations if they occur.
Either way, congratulate yourself for trying it out and give yourself permission to relax in some way once you have finished.
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