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How to Become More Assertive

*Learn to Express Yourself Effectively and Honestly*

*Discover Effective Negotiation Strategies*

*Start to Meet Your Own Needs*

*Recognise Your Rights*


What is Assertiveness?

A person who is assertive might be described as someone who:

Problems with Assertiveness

Problems with assertiveness usually fall into two contrasting types

1. Passive behaviour - where you have a tendency to want to avoid conflict or you feel that you shouldn't express your own feelings or thoughts, with the result that you go along with what others say or ask, without paying attention to your own needs.

2. Aggressive behaviour - where you have a tendency to dominate conversations or to ignore other people's views and seek to control what others do by dictating to them or telling them what they must or should do.

Sometimes it is possible to swing from one type of behaviour to the other - particularly if you have a general tendency to be too passive. This can lead to a build up of frustration and anger which can eventually come out in an aggressive way.

Assertiveness is not about forcing your views on others or dominating a conversation. Nor is it about allowing others to dominate you. It may be seen as a sensible middle way between the two extremes.

Is There an Easy Solution to Assertiveness Problems?

Becoming assertive if you are not naturally assertive involves practice and effort. Developing assertiveness (where you behave and speak in articulate sensible ways rather than passively or aggressively), whether through an assertiveness training course or through following instruction and techniques from coaches or books, requires you to retrain yourself to learn ways of being assertive and to unlearn habitual patterns of behaving which you may have had since you were young - perhaps because of notions that you were taught by important people in your lives such as parents or teachers, which influenced your behaviour and your self image.

Becoming more assertive will therefore involve you in learning helpful techniques or methods which need to be practised before they become second nature. There may not be an easy way round this but it is worth it if you are prepared to try it out, because of the benefits it brings. This assertiveness eBook does not offer an easy fix. It provides clear practical techniques for you to try out and practise on a consistent basis which are likely to help you to improve assertiveness and feel better about yourself and your relationships.

Becoming More Assertive

If you are behaving in passive or aggressive ways and would like to become more assertive, what can be helpful to you is to start to identify the thought patterns that are underpinning your non-assertive behaviour and to find effective ways of challenging or overcoming them.

For example, some common thoughts or beliefs underpinning passive behaviour are:

If these are thoughts with which you can identify then it is likely that you experience low self esteem and will benefit from information or coaching to help you improve your self esteem and deal with the negative thought patterns which contribute to your lack of assertiveness and your lack of confidence or self belief.

Some initial suggestions which may help you to be more assertive are:

1. Think of positive statements that you can say to yourself ("Positive Self Talk") to encourage you to take a chance and express your needs in a reasonable manner.

2. Draw up a list of what the potential advantages for you and your relationships could be if you can start being more assertive in your behaviour. Use this as a motivational tool when you are trying to muster the courage to express yourself in a more assertive way.

3. Set yourself realistic specific targets - Don't expect that you will become completely assertive overnight. Initially just set yourself one or two specific aims for what you want to communicate in a particular situation and how you might go about doing it.

4. Congratulate yourself for any successes you have in behaving a little more assertively, however small, and try to build on them.

5. Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Just do your best and seek support if appropriate.

Training Yourself to be Assertive - The Benefits

There are many potential benefits to training yourself to be assertive. If you can become more assertive it is likely to lead you to:

Key Elements of Assertiveness

Key elements of assertiveness in the way you relate and interact with people in your personal and professional relationships are:

1. Clarity

2. Reasonableness

3. Honesty

4. Respect.

Effective assertiveness training helps you to develop these characteristics in the way you speak and behave in your personal and professional relationships.



How to Be Assertive -
The Assertiveness Training eBook

How to Be Assertive is a unique guide to becoming assertive introducing 5 different approaches to improving your assertiveness skills.

Each of the assertiveness approaches in the eBook has its own value but they can also be used to complement each other so that you have a toolkit of effective techniques for building assertiveness. You can choose to try out one of the assertiveness approaches at a time or you can combine different ones at your choice.

The 5 assertiveness training methods or approaches which are set out in the eBook are:

1. The DEAL Method for Improving Assertiveness - a step by step process for approaching situations where you want to express yourself better or raise a difficult issue in a relationship.

2. Coping with Anxious Thoughts – The STAR Model - A cognitive behavioural trainign method for working through anxious thoughts which might be holding you back from being Assertive

3. Owning Your Fears - A simple process for confronting and taking control of your fears that the worst may happen (sometimes known as 'fortune telling')

4. Rights and Responsibility (R & R) Principles - How to understand and use your rights and responsibilities as a benchmark to help you stand up for yourself whilst respecting others.

5. Try it and See (It’s Not as Crazy as it sounds) - a practical approach to making changes, maintaining motivation and working through the different stages in becoming assertive based on psychological principles and a model of change.

Who is the book How to Be Assertive for?

The How to Be Assertive eBook is for you if you:

The How to Be Assertive eBook is also likely to be of use to you if you are a life coach or other professional who works with people with Assertiveness difficulties and you would like to have a range of approaches and techniques for helping clients to become more assertive.

How to Be Assertive - Full Contents List

The full contents list of the How to Be Assertive assertiveness training eBook is given below:


Defining Assertiveness

Assertiveness – The Middle Way

The Three Types of Behaviour

Passive Behaviour

  • Examples of Passive Behaviour
  • Are there any Payoffs from Acting Passively?
  • How Real are the Payoffs?

Aggressive Behaviour

  • Examples of Aggressive Behaviour
  • Are there any Payoffs from Acting Aggressively?
  • How Real are the Payoffs?

Assertive Behaviour

  • Examples of Assertive Behaviour
  • Non Verbal Behaviour
  • The Benefits of Being Assertive
  • Assessing Your Own Tendencies to Passive, Aggressive or Assertive Behaviour

Exercise 1: Understanding Your Own Behaviour
Exercise 2: Your Commitment to Acting Assertively



Approach No.1: The DEAL Method for Improving Assertiveness


Explaining the DEAL Method

  1. Describe the Situation
  2. Express your Feelings and Thoughts about it
  3. Ask for Reasonable Changes that you Feel would Help
  4. Listen and Negotiate a Reasonable Solution where Possible

Negotiation Tips

Exercise 3: Using the DEAL Method for Assertiveness
Exercise 4: Preparing for a Discussion


Approach No.2: Coping with Anxious Thoughts  - The STAR Model


Using the STAR Model

Step 1: Describe a Problem Situation and the Anxieties it creates for you
Step 2: Set out Possible Alternatives
Step 3: Choosing Alternatives to Try Out

Exercise 5: Create Your Own STAR Model


Approach No 3: Owning Your Fears


1. Options
- Relationship Example

2. Worst Case

3. Now

Exercise 6: Owning Your Own Fears


Approach No.4: Rights and Responsibility (R&R) Principles


What is involved in showing respect?

The 4 R&R Principles

  • The Right to Express Your Feelings and Opinions
  • The Right to Say ‘No’
  • The Right to Make Mistakes
  • The Responsibility for Making Decisions

Applying the 4 R&R Principles

Exercise 7: Analysing a Past Situation
Exercise 8: Preparing for a Future Situation

Troubleshooting the R&R Principles

Exercise 9: My Positive Message
Exercise 10: Focusing on Outcomes


Approach No.5: Try It and See (It’s Not as Crazy as it Sounds)


What about the Fear of Failure?

Making Changes

Stages in Becoming Assertive

Using this Approach

- Exercise 11: One Assertiveness Change

- Assertiveness Plan

- Successes Record

Combining Different Approaches


About the Author

How to Be Assertive is a practical book written by Self-Help Author David Bonham-Carter who specialises in the use of CBT and other practical techniques to help people deal with negative thinking patterns and address difficulties such as:

David worked for many years in the UK as a social worker before becoming a professional life coach in private practice for several years. He now focuses on sharing useful coaching and CBT techniques through self-help guides.

How to Be Assertive - 5 Practical Approaches

How to Be Assertive is very much a practical book. It contains 5 different practical approaches to develop your skills in being assertive, so as to:

Feedback on How the Techniques Help

"I now realise that I have a right to be assertive..."

"I am now thinking more of strategies I can use to help me deal with stresses and identifying my thought processes has been an important tool. I now realise that I have a right to be assertive. I am talking more with my husband about our shared goals. We are doing more things together and our relationship has improved. I am also spending more time on doing things for myself that I like."

- Jane, Devon, UK

"I have started using the assertiveness materials and have received a good response..."

"I'm currently working as a Probation Officer and thought the exercises would be useful for this. I have started using the assertiveness materials and have received a good response. I'm also hoping to train to become a Life Coach in the near future and therefore I felt these materials would be useful for this purpose. I am pleased with the materials and believe I will get a lot of use from them in the future."

Sarah, Wales, UK


Purchase Price of How to Be Assertive

The cost of this assertiveness training eBook ncluding all the practical exercises for helping you to improve and develop assertiveness is just $14.99! It is available online for immediate download in PDF format.


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