Building Confidence & Self Esteem

The Two Aspects of Low Self Esteem

If you experience low self esteem you probably have a self image which involves you:

(1) Not valuing yourself and your own worth very highly and/or

(2) Paying more attention and attaching more significance to the aspects of yourself with which you are unhappy than to those aspects which you feel are OK.

If this applies to you, then you may find it leads you to act in certain ways that cause problems for you and sometimes for others, for example:

Not paying sufficient attention to your own needs and wants

Saying 'Yes' to requests from others which you do not really want to meet or do not have time to meet

Finding it difficult to communicate effectively in relationships

Feeling bad about yourself and guilty if you do not achieve something you promised or if you do not act in a way which you feel you should or ought to have acted.

Where does Low Self Esteem come from?

Self Esteem is part of our self image. Our self image develops during our childhood and is the combination of our own natural personality features together with the messages and influences we receive from those around us about how we should act and feel about ourselves.

Self Esteem & Childhood

If you suffer from low self esteem you may have experienced one or more of the following factors in your childhood from your parents or other important figures:

Unrealistic or high expectations of what you should achieve

Experience of being compared negatively to others or labelled in a negative way so that it feels like you can never be good enough or that it is difficult act in a way which merits approval

Parents or other primary caregivers who found it difficult to give appropriate warmth, love and acceptance to you or who abused you in one or more ways (emotionally, psychologically, sexually, physically, or through neglect)

Parents who were too preoccupied with their own issues and concerns to be able to pay sufficient attention to your needs or who seemed to favour another sibling

Rejection or factors similar to the above experienced at the hands of other children or from adults who played a part in your development (e.g. teachers or relatives).

Media messages about your gender, race, sexual orientation, culture, or other features can also play a part in giving you a negative self image or low self esteem or lack of confidence.

It is also possible to develop low self esteem as an adult. If for example, you experience a traumatic event, rejection or abuse, or conversely if you do an action about which you subsequently feel guilty.

Can You Improve Self Esteem?

The short answer to this is: 'Yes!'. There are techniques and ideas for gradually improving your self image, self confidence and self belief, which research has shown to be effective. Some of these are given below.

Others may require the support of a coach or someone else with appropriate expertise to help you make the changes that will benefit you and help you live your life to the full.

Tips for Dealing with Low Self Confidence and Self Esteem

If self confidence is an area where you have difficulties and you would like help to improve self esteem, you may find it helpful to try out the following suggestions, which are common recommended features on self esteem courses:

Give yourself credit when you achieve something you set out to do. Don't be too hard on yourself! Try to recognise occasions where you have done something you are proud of. There may be positive aspects of your self and of what you do that you take for granted and do not give yourself credit for.

Make a list of qualities and abilities that you have - if you have difficulty in thinking of them, ask a trusted friend what they see as being the characteristics they like about you. Keep the list to hand so that you can remind yourself of it at times when you feel self critical.

Eat a balanced diet and at regular times to help avoid your body getting out of balance and do some regular moderate exercise (walking or swimming is fine) to help your health and state of mind - exercise naturally releases endorphins in the body, which can help to relieve pain and induce positive feelings of wellbeing.

Start to keep a thoughts diary recording both any positive thoughts that you have and any negative thoughts that you have about yourself or things you have or haven't done which you feel guilty about or regret. When you have negative thoughts, remind yourself of any positive ones to counterbalance them. If you find there aren't many positive thoughts then ask yourself how you can keep the negative thoughts in perspective.

Write down these ideas for keeping things in perspective on a card or piece of paper and carry the card around so that you can refer to it when the negative thoughts come back or your confidence suffers a knock.

Avoid comparing yourself to others if possible - you are valuable as a human being in your right and for your unique qualities. No one is perfect - and if you were, you might be rather boring!

Get Further Tips on Building Confidence & Self Esteem

If you would like further tips on building confidence and self esteem, please sign up to receive my Free Life Coach Tips Newsletter. The newsletter is sent out automatically by email (you can unsubscribe freely at any time) and contains tips & information on a variety of coaching and related issues. The first Newsletter includes a
Free 6-Page Report on "Simple Ways of Improving Your Self Esteem.

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Coaching for Confidence & Low Self Esteem

If you would like further support to build your confidence and esteem, then you may be interested in the telephone life coaching service I provide which includes specialist self esteem coaching to help with increasing low self esteem, assertiveness and building confidence, including help in dealing with anxieties and negative thoughts.

The coaching is designed to help, raise your self image and help you to create a more positive outlook on life and on yourself.

I provide relatively simple strategies which you can learn, to help you break out of the difficulties or deal with them more effectively. The strategies I teach in life coaching sessions are based on research into what is most effective and can help you to:

Improve Your Self Confidence and Self Image
Develop Your Assertiveness
Make Effective Changes
Relieve Stresses

What People Say about Confidence Coaching

For many people specialist coaching sessions are a good way of learning techniques for developing self confidence and sustaining progress. Here are some example quotes from past clients who have recorded how coaching sessions have helped them to improve their confidence and self belief.

"I now feel more confident
...I am also doing more things for myself..."

"Previously I was very tired and sleeping badly on a regular basis. My mind was all over the place with contradicting emotions. I was acting badly towards my partner, James, and was very moody and hard to be with. I was very confused about my relationship. I now feel more confident. I am more aware of my positive traits. I also feel as though I have more control over my situation, however hard it might be...

James and I are making more of an effort in our relationship and I am also more aware of how I come across towards him. I am also doing more things for myself, exercising more, and trying to sort out my skin problems. James and I have been making an effort to spend quality time together and also to go out with friends and be more social...

I feel less guilty regarding my thoughts about my ex. I am more able to look at the positive aspects of my own character and my future. I know that I can achieve my goals." - Beth, London, UK

"I am now more able to believe in a future and in myself..."

"David impressed me as he was able to communicate an empathic understanding of my difficulties. I found his approach stimulating and a motivator for change. I am now more able to believe in a future and in myself, and have taken this opportunity to explore how I can gain a more fulfilling and quality work life that complements my family life." - Simon, Kent, UK

"I am happier with myself now and my relationship is way better than it was..."

"Before I started the coaching, I was acting without a lot of thought in a heightened emotional way even though I thought I was thinking about things. Making the decision to phone you was really helpful. Having helpful things pointed out to me by someone independent in a calm way was very useful. Previously we had been to Relate which I found painful and difficult to see light at the end of the tunnel. Your coaching sessions were much more helpful...

...The affirmations helped me initially to make me look at myself in a more positive way and be aware of my achievements and qualities. I have got a lot of my confidence back again. Giving my Project Plan a name which pinpointed how I needed to direct my efforts was really helpful. I can be a bit of a Peter Pan type person and having concrete techniques to try out was good for me. The STAR Model adjusted for my situation helped me to focus on the outcomes I wanted and on how to achieve them. This enabled me to avoid going into an emotional rut.

My friends had got used to expecting me to be emotional and rant and are quite surprised by the new Sonia! I’ve let go a bit now and found that it gives me more control and I feel much more relaxed... I am happier with myself now and my relationship is way better than it was." - Sonia, Bristol, UK

"I am pleased with my progress and have
gained my confidence back..."

"I have made steps towards improving my relationships with the people that mean the most to me. I am pleased with my progress and have gained my confidence back. Having somebody to point things out that I may not have seen or recognised has been important. Suggestions on things that I could try has made the changes easier. I wanted to learn how to move forward and improve myself and it would not have been possible without the support and knowledge of a coach." - Charlotte, London, UK

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Information about Coaching

If you are considering having coaching sessions and would like some further information about the telephone coaching service that I provide or fees, please
Contact me by email or Call 0117 904 2908.

David Bonham-Carter

Coaching for Confidence & Self Esteem

Bristol, London, UK & International

Self Esteem Topics