Dealing with Jealous Thoughts & Feelings
If you experience jealousy, then a sensible thing to do is to try to plan alternative actions or behaviours to try out instead of your instinctive jealous reactions when you feel jealous.
However, you may find it difficult to implement these actions because the thoughts and feelings that run through your mind seem so strong or because there is a part of you which actually thinks that maybe you should act in the jealous way.
On this page, I am going to explain a cognitive behavioural model, known as the ABC Model, for analysing what is going on if this is the case and then suggest how you might use it to deal with the thoughts and beliefs that may be making it hard for you to control your jealous behaviour (a ‘cognitive behavioural’ model is one which focuses on the links between your cognitions – thoughts, beliefs, feelings – and your actions).
It is the thoughts or beliefs that you have about events and situations which are leading you to feel jealous, so if you can find ways of addressing those thoughts and beliefs to put them in perspective or make them more realistic if they are distorted or inaccuarate, this is likely to help reduce the feelings of anger or hurt or rejection which jealousy can create.
The ABC Model
In the example below the letters A, B, C are used to stand for the following:
A = Activating Event (i.e. a situation which might cause you to get jealous)
B = Beliefs (the thoughts & beliefs that go through your mind)
C = Consequences (what you then feel and how you then act).
Examples of the ABC Model
Below are 2 examples of how you might analyse 2 different situations where you start to feel jealous, using the ABC Model format. The first situation relates to the kind of jealousy which I called Rival-Jealousy, where you are fearful of losing your partner to someone else. The second situation relates to the kind of jealousy which I called Envy-Jealousy, where you are envious of someone else who you feel is ‘better’ than you or luckier than you in some way:
1. ABC Analysis: Rival-Jealousy Example:
For this example, I am assuming that the person writing is female and has a male partner but the example can work equally well if genders are different – just change the genders of the people in the example:
(A) |
(B) |
(C) |
We are out at a meal with friends and my partner, Mike, is talking to one of my friends, Jane.
|
I think:
|
I react by being irritable & am unable to concentrate properly on the meal or the conversation. I feel angry, hurt & humiliated. When we get home I remark sarcastically to Mike that he seems to find Jane very interesting and that he seems to like the ‘intelligent’ type. He reacts defensively and I accuse him of having something to hide. |
2. ABC Analysis: Envy-Jealousy Example
This time, I am assuming that the writer is a male person who has a male friend he is envious of but the example can work equally well if the writer is female – just change the genders of the people in the example to fit your situation as appropriate:
(A) |
(B) |
(C) |
My friend rings me up to tell me that he has got a new job in a senior position |
I think: |
I react by giving him lukewarm congratulations only and highlight some potential problems with the job. I feel annoyed with myself that I have spoilt his enjoyment because of my envy. |
Using the ABC Model to Balance Your Jealous Thoughts
The next step is to balance out your jealous thoughts/beliefs to help keep them in perspective and calm you down. To find out how to do that, click on the link below:
Balancing Out Jealous Thoughts
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Further Ideas for Jealousy Issues
The above extract is taken from my ebook Overcoming Jealousy - A Practical Guide. For more information about that ebook click on the link below:
Overcoming Jealousy - A Practical Guide