David's Life Coaching Blog

Controlling Your Fears

2008-11-07T12:31:00.002Z

I seem to be getting a lot of email queries or comments in my inbox these days about fears. Perhaps it’s a sign of the times.

If there is a fear that is at the back – or even the front - of your mind then one thing you can try in order to try to start taking control of it rather than vice versa is to answer the questions below:

1. What is the event that you fear?
2. How likely is it to happen? – Jot down the arguments for and against it occurring and then give a percentage estimate.
3. If it does happen, what will the consequences be?
4. What can you do to reduce the likelihood of the event happening?
5.If the event does happen then what can you do to help you cope and move forward?

Whether or not the event happens, at least the above exercise may give you an outline plan to help deal with it realistically and positively if it does occur.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Eating Habits - Slow Down

2008-10-30T12:56:00.001Z

Some recent research conducted by scientists at Osaka University suggests that eating your food quickly increases your chances of becoming overweight - probably because you continue eating without realizing that you are full. You can read about the research at the link below:

Speed of Eating - Article

A number of diet books had already latched onto this idea before the latest research. For example in I Can Make You Thin Paul McKenna recommends trying to slow your eating speed down and chewing your food thoroughly.

Slowing your eating speed down may not however always be that easy. Here are 3 simple practical strategies you might adopt to try to slow down your eating:

- Put your eating utensils down between each mouthful of food so that you are not shovelling more food into your mouth before you have finished your existing mouthful!

- Take sips of water between mouthfuls (make sure it is water not a drink with significant calories or you may end up putting on weight!)

- Take a break of 5 minutes or more between courses.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Problems with My Ex-Husband

2008-10-07T12:00:00.010+01:00

Rebecca (not her real name) has sent me the following email about problems she is having in avoiding contact with her ex-husband:

“My story is different, I think, and I really need to finally tell somebody.
23 years ago, I met, through a male friend (who incidentally did warn me against him), and married a farmer 10 years my senior.

His mother, lived 10 metres away (and still does) from the old farmstead (her old home) - has been a widow for over 40 years - married a divorced man 30 years her senior. His father was 60, when my husband was born.

I came from a very wealthy background with a huge amount of emotions flowing through my life - all functions and ocasions were very important. I think my husband comes from a very unemotional and poor background.

During our courtship - my husband was certainly not the "Knight in Shining Armour" I imagined he would be - he was insulting and terribly jealous from the start! My instincts initially were to run, but I was so in love, I thought things would eventually change.

My husband and his mother are very un-emotional - almost bordering on narcisstic abuse. Well, over the years, this has proved to be true.
The farm is owned by my mother-in-law, my husband and his older brother. My husband has taken on the responsibility of running the sawmill, and looking after his mother,

I feel he has made her No. 1 in his life, instead of me and the boys. My brother-in-law lives much further away, has a great life, and holidays regularly! My husband is constantly at her beck and call - very often she would be at our bedroom window at 5.am , to see what we are doing, or in the house to check if he has enough food, or, even worse, to have tea in my garden section, with her friends! I really didn't know what to do! So - I would hide! He has breakfast with her every morning (I'm never invited), and a walk in the evenings without me. Once, I spoke to her about the situation - and she said that I would be the same with my sons! Of course, I purposely haven't!

Communication broke down between us, and I built my own business away from the farm - obviously to form some sort of identity. I also needed serious personal attention - my husband would clarify it as "trying to control him"! He would leave me at home after a fight, and purposely take her for a drive in front of me, while I just sat there on the verandah, and watched, and waited!

If we ever went on holiday - (which was so seldom, approximately every three ears) - especially when the boys were very young - his brother would get upset, they would argue, and his mother would have a whole set of chores for him to do, on the day we were due to leave! I would wait patiently, but not happy. He would then be so frustrated, that we would have an argument about nothing! His anger began to frighten me. He began to inform me that he had a bad side, and don't bring the bad side out, or he would retaliate!

Eventually, as I'm sure you have now realised - I left! We have been divorced for 2 years now. The trouble is, I am his neighbour, and he constantly calls and visits over the weekend for a dinner , etc.

I have refused, and he is not happy - I need to know how to reject him!
Despite all the bad things, I still love him?

What do I do?”

Response from Life Coach David

Hi Rebecca

Many thanks for your question for my life coaching blog.

The first thing that strikes me about what you describe is that in most of what you say you talk about your ex-husband as if you are still married. It was only when I got near the end of your email that I realised that you are now divorced and have been for 2 years!

This being the case, I would suggest you clarify in your mind how much you want your ex-husband in your life and then decide how you want to act in line with that. You mention that you have refused some of his efforts to make contact but the implication of what you say is that you are having difficulty carrying this through, so it may be useful for you to sit down and think through what is going on in your mind in a clear way.

To help with this, I suggest you draw up a list of the benefits of not having your ex-husband playing such a part in your life – i.e. not having him seeing you regularly through visits and/or calls. Then draw up a contrasting list of what you get out of him coming round – the payoffs for you. These may be practical, psychological, rational or irrational – but it is important to be aware of them before you decide what to do. For example, one payoff may be simply that he is giving you attention.

Once you have drawn up your list of benefits of reducing contact with him as against the payoffs of keeping contact at the current level, decide which side outweighs the other. If reducing contact with him is the side that is stronger, then decide what your options are to help achieve a reduction in contact – this might include not answering the door if he calls (and if necessary taking legal advice if he persists) or deciding to move out of the area or anything else you think appropriate.

Once you have decided what you want to do, commit to doing it and carry it out unless there is a very good reason not to. If you find yourself wavering in your commitment or you are not sure what you want to do, then this might be a situation where coaching sessions could be helpful for you to think through your options and build your motivation to act in the way which you decide is best.

Blog Response Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Getting Back to Work - Coping with Anxiety

2008-10-06T12:51:00.003+01:00

Ian, who works for a mental health charity and is currently involved in a project helping people who have experienced mental health difficulties to get back into employment or onto training courses, has emailed me a question for my life coaching blog asking for any suggested strategies to help individuals who are in this situation to cope with anxieties or negative feelings as they approach an interview or training course or a first day back at work.

I guess my first suggestion would be to try to encourage people who are nervous or anxious about the step they are taking to try to adopt a mental attitude of ‘trying things out’, i.e. not to put pressure on themselves to be perfect or 100% successful but to think of the situations they are going into as chances to try out and see what they can do, with the view that if they do succeed then that’s great but that if they don’t manage perfectly then to see if there is anything they can learn from what has happened with a view to trying to improve next time.

In some cases it may also be helpful for people in this situation to keep a record at the end of each interview or course or day at work, listing what they think they have achieved in the day and those things that they feel they need to work on more before they can do them as well as they would like. If you yourself are in this situation and tend to focus on the things you can’t yet do, then be sure to highlight some achievements too even if they only seem small – getting through the day may in itself be a significant achievement.

For those involved in supporting people in this kind of situation, you can help to encourage them to recognise the achievements they have made and work with them to help think how about how they might do things differently next time, or fill learning or skills gaps, in respect of those areas where some further development is needed.

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Lack of Self Belief

2008-09-19T12:46:00.011+01:00

Query Submitted on Lack of Self Belief

Jean has emailed me the following query:

"Dear David

Why do I have absolutely no belief in myself? I do not trust my own judgement, and therefore cannot make a decision without checking that it is okay with someone else...I cannot voice my opionion. My inner chatterbox tells me I am useless time and time again. Should I try hypnotherapy?"

My initial response is given below:

"Hi Jean

Effective hypnosis is about helping you to achieve a deep state of relaxation and concentration where your mind can detach itself from everyday cares and concerns and focus in a positive way, so it can be helpful for your kind of situation. You can find details of some self hypnosis MP3s for confidence issues at the link below:

Confidence and Self Belief - Hypnosis MP3s

An alternative way of trying to help with confidence issues is to use cognitive techniques to help you deal with the 'inner chatter' that you refer to. If your 'inner chatter' is telling you that you are useless, think about what you might say to yourself when that negative thought arises which would redress the negativity with something more positive whilst still being realistic.

For instance, you might say to yourself: 'Confidence is not my strongest area because of experiences in my past which have affected my self belief. However I do have other qualities such as ... [here describe any qualities you or your friends might attribute to you] and I am intending to start to work on my confidence by ... [here describe steps you are taking or planning - e.g. to try out hypnosis or to set yourself small goals that will stretch you just outside your comfort zone].

Also, if you find yourself using expressions such as 'I cannot do X' or 'I should not do X', try to modify them to something that is not so definitive - such as the more positive: 'I have difficulty with doing X but I am going to commit to trying to do it once during the next week'.

If you carry out the action you set yourself, then congratulate yourself and try to build on it. If not, then maybe reflect on whether there is any way that you can adjust the target to make it more achievable rather than being too self critical. You don't need to be perfect - try to focus on small changes at first if you can.

Best wishes

David

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Family Conflict

2008-09-15T14:57:00.015+01:00

Stuck in the Middle of a Family Conflict

One of my newsletter readers, Sally, has sent me an email asking for advice as to what to do if stuck in the middle of a longstanding family conflict between other family members, in this case her brother and a close cousin.

One way of approaching this kind of situation is to clarify what is within your control or influence and what is not. The ideal outcome you are likely to want is for the warring parties to learn to get on better, but this may not be within your control. If you feel that there is something you can do that will bring the parties closer together then you might try that out to see if it does help, but be aware that this may lead to accusations (which could be justified) that you are interfering or taking sides.

In some situations unfortunately the reality may be that there is not much you personally can do to resolve the situation because one or both of the parties concerned are not really willing to take steps to improve the relationship (from Sally’s initial email to me it sounds as if that may be the case in her situation).

If that is so, then it may be best to recognise and acknowledge that your ideal outcome is not within your control and to focus on what you can do to limit the potential negative impact on yourself. For example, if a situation might arise in which you find yourself in the company of both parties and you are worried about having to be there whilst they argue, consider what your options are. This might include:

Deciding not to attend at all, or if it is your own event then making arrangements so that the parties are not both likely to be situated close to each other at the event.
Explaining to each party that you don’t want to have to experience them arguing, asking them what they can do to avoid that happening and letting them know what you will do if they do argue – this might include, for example, you leaving the room or the event, if you don’t want to put up with it or listen to the argument.
Sometimes the more attention, conflicting parties get, the more they argue so as to prove their point. If that is so, then not giving them attention – or withdrawing your attention when they argue - may be more productive than seeking to get involved.
Once you have made your decision as to what you are going to do if they argue, stick to it unless there is a very good reason not to. If you do not carry through what you say you are going to do, then this may well send a message to other people that they can just continue with what they are doing.

This is a complicated query, so what is suggested above is just one possible approach and different advice may apply to individual situations. Blog readers are invited to contribute their own ideas via the Comments link at the foot of this entry.

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David on 15 September 2008

For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Envy and Jealousy

2008-08-26T18:11:00.033+01:00

Query submitted on Feelings of Envy/Jealousy

"Hi David

I have been struggling for years with feelings of envy/jealousy I feel deeply ashamed to admit to. Usually this focuses on social life and standing, academic success, career success and achievements etc. It's mainly of a few of the people I know well but not my own immediate family (husband or children) - but I end up feeling envious FOR them sometimes which I feel is a bit sick and twisted … I am all too aware of my shortcomings and don't want them to affect other people - it's my problem and not theirs and stems from deep self doubt and low self confidence and self esteem.

I had hoped that, as I grew older it would recede, but the opposite has happened and it's making me very unhappy and depressed and it's not something I can easily talk about to friends. I don’t know how to change or fight these feelings and it's even affected a close friendship I had for many years, which is very sad…

Is there anything I can do to overcome my painful feelings or am I stuck with myself as I am for keeps?”

Regards

Pauline "
(A pseudonym has been used to protect the writer’s identity)

Response from Life Coach David:

Hi Pauline & thank you for submitting your query,

From the examples you give of the things that give rise to your feelings of jealousy/envy, such as social standing and different types of success or status, I think your feelings may be more about envy more than jealousy, although the two can be closely related. Envy is usually when you wish you could have a quality or status or possession that someone else has and your wish may include an element of resentment towards the person. Jealousy by contrast tends to involve a fear that you may in some way lose (or have lost) someone you love to a third party.

There are a number of things you might try out to help you deal with potential feelings of envy:

1. Write out a ‘Gratitude List’ - a list of things that you are grateful for in your life – read through this on a daily basis to remind yourself of those things that are good in your life. You mention that you are sometimes envious on behalf of your family too, so you might include on the list things that your family as a whole can be grateful for or the good points about the family that you can all be proud of.
2. When you are tempted to feel envious of others for something they possess or have achieved, remind yourself of the items on your gratitude list that you do have (these may actually be things of more lasting importance than the things you are jealous of – but even if they are not, they are still things you can be happy to have).
3. If there are certain times or situations where you find that you are particularly likely to feel envious, then create a simple a plan for how you might change your reaction at those times or in those situations to avoid reacting in a way that you might regret – your plan might be as simple as reminding yourself to count to 10 or pause before you respond to something someone says.
4. Give yourself credit when you carry out your plan – perhaps keep a record of successes.
5. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you don’t always achieve what you are aiming for. Change sometimes comes in a 2 steps forward-1 step back way, rather than in a linear progression.
6. If you are envious of someone you are close to (such as the friend you mention), then consider whether it might be helpful to find an appropriate calm time & place to try to explain to that person how you feel, and to explain to them what you are trying to do to prevent the feelings damaging your relationship, letting the person know that the relationship is important to you.

You also mention that some of your feelings stem from low self esteem. A useful book with ideas for helping with self esteem is Hetty de Haan’s eBook on boosting self esteem. You can find information about it at the link below:

eBook on Boosting Self Esteem

Best wishes

David Bonham-Carter
Life Coach

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David on 26 August 2008

For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Coaching eBooks and Other Products

2008-08-19T17:38:00.004+01:00

I am currently building a catalogue of coaching ebooks and other products which are available for purchase online to deal with particular issues, including:

Relationship issues such as communication, building trust or jealousy

Self Esteem Issues

Making Life Changes

To view the current featured coaching ebooks and other products go to:

Coaching eBooks and Other Products

Submit Your Life Coaching Question

2008-08-19T16:37:00.013+01:00

As many of you who are receiving my free Life Coach Tips Newsletter may know, I am going to be using this life coaching blog to discuss particular life coaching topics, issues or topics raised by visitors to my website and readers of my newsletter.

If you have a particular query, problem or issue that you would like to submit to me for a response on this blog (and inclusion in my Life Coach Tips newsletter) then please email your query or subject topic to me via the email link at the foot of this blog entry.

All ideas or questions will be considered though I can't promise to publish responses to each and every one. Where I publish a response, other readers of the blog may use the 'Comments' link at the foot of a blog entry to comment on my response or the issue. Please note that your first name (only) may be cited as the source of the query if a response is published, so if you would prefer a pseudonym to be used, then please let me know when you submit the query.

Please Put 'Life Coaching Blog Question' in the Subject Line of your Email so that I can identify it as a submission for this purpose:

Submit Your Question or Topic for Consideration

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy & Holistic Therapies

2008-08-12T08:42:00.004+01:00

I was recently approached by Holistic Community, a website directory of different holistic therapies, and asked to write an introduction for their section on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). CBT techniques are helpful for a number of issues involving negative thought patterns, such as depression, panic attacks or anxiety, phobias and confidence issues.

You can view the introduction to CBT that I provided for Holistic Community at the link below:

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

Is the Impossible Possible?

2008-07-28T11:05:00.003+01:00

When setting goals is it a good idea to aim for something that seems far out of reach or even impossible, or is it better to start off realistically? Below is a link to an article considering this question & reflecting on how to approach dreams and ambitions in your life:

Dream Your Life

Improving Communication in a Relationship

2008-07-07T10:08:00.004+01:00

Most couples experience some kind of difficulties in communication at one time or another in their relationship, whether because of misunderstandings, different viewpoints, different personalities or different upbringings.

Relationships coaches Susie and Otto Collins provide a series of E books on relationship issues which can be very helpful in overcoming stumbling blocks and difficulties. One of their relationship E books is specifically about how to improve communication in a relationship and has a variety of practical ideas. To find out more about their book, "Communication Magic" and the 4 audios which go with it entitled "Secrets to Communicating from the Heart", click on the link below:

Communication Magic

Symptoms of an Anxiety Attack

2008-06-28T14:20:00.008+01:00

Often people who are experiencing an anxiety attack or panic attack don't realise that that is what is happening and may even think they are having a heart attack. If you think this may have happened to you, you can find out more about the symptoms of an anxiety attack at the link below:

Symptoms of an Anxiety Attack

Are Short Men More Jealous?

2008-06-20T08:57:00.009+01:00

Are short men more jealous than tall men. According to some recent research that may be the case!. Click on the link below to find out more:

Are Short Men more Jealous than Tall Men?

For information about how to deal with jealousy, visit the link below:

Overcoming Jealousy

Hypnosis for Self Improvement

2008-06-14T07:20:00.003+01:00

One way of helping you to de-stress or change your frame of mind is to try self hypnosis. If self hypnosis is something you are curious about or interested in, you can find low cost instant downloads on a range of self improvement topics, including positive thinking, building self confidence and gaining a healthy lifestyle at the link below:

Self Hypnosis Downloads

National Year of Reading

2008-06-04T16:56:00.002+01:00

In case you weren't aware of it, 2008 is the national year of reading. So if you are interested in books why not check out the link below?:

National Year of Reading

Dealing with Jealousy

2008-05-30T09:26:00.002+01:00

Jealousy can create problems in relationships which otherwise can be very loving and is usually a sign of insecurity. For some tips on overcoming jealousy click on the link below:

Dealing with Jealousy

Marketing for Life Coaches - Publish Articles!

2008-05-22T09:56:00.003+01:00

I get a lot of visits to my website from life coaches or people thinking of taking up coaching as a career, so if there is anyone reading this who wants to be a life coach, today's blog entry is about a marketing idea which helps both life coaches and people who may want coaching.

When I was beginning as a life coach some years ago, I decided to focus most of my efforts on internet marketing as that seemed to be the direction the world in general was heading in. I found that one way of giving useful information to clients or potential clients which helped them and also showed that I knew what I was talking about in terms of the techniques I had learned and used successfully for helping people was to write articles on life coaching or stress management issues and submit them to free article directories. At the foot of each article I would include a link to my website so this began to attract people to my site who were interested by the articles and it also improved my search rankings.

It was partly from this that I began to see the power of articles in disseminating helpful information and bringing clients and coaches together in a useful way and therefore set up my own life coaching articles website at http://www.life-coach-tips.co.uk/

For anyone reading this comment who is a life coach just starting out or wanting to market their service more, you can find a brief discussion about this marketing technique on my website at the link below:

Marketing for Life Coaches

or alternatively just visit my life coaching articles directory and have a look round. If you like what you see then feel free to submit your own article for inclusion. The life coaching articles directory is at:

Life Coaching Articles

Best wishes

David

Chronic Blushing - Is there a Cure?

2008-05-17T19:29:00.005+01:00

As I am a life coach specialising in stress, anxiety and self esteem issues, clients sometimes approach me for help where they are experiencing anxiety about chronic blushing. I have therefore posted a new page on my website examining some of the issues around excessive blushing or a fear of it and reflecting on some of the proposed treatment options. You can find my observations at the link below:

Wanting to Stop Facial Blushing - Is it Possible?

Are married people happier than unmarried?

2008-05-13T16:36:00.004+01:00

You may have seen in the newspapers recently reports of research by Harvard psychologist, Professor Gilbert, suggesting that in the U.S.A. at least, married people without children may be happier than married people with children or unmarried people. Amongst the other suggestions from the research were that religious people are happier than non religious people, that people with a college degree are happier than those without and that having more money may not make you happier - apparently, once you pass $50,000 it doesn't help to bring much more happiness. You can see an article about the research results at the link below:

The Truth about Happiness

Work from Home? - What is the effect on family life?

2008-05-07T13:38:00.004+01:00

Rapid improvements in communications technology mean and changing attitudes to the workplace mean that more and more people are working from home. Is this a wise decision and what is the effect on family life of working from home? To find out some of the issues involved in homeworking and its potential impact on family life, please click on the link below:

Work from Home - Does it affect family life?

Happiness in Retirement

2008-04-29T10:05:00.003+01:00

For some suggestions about how you might increase your happiness on retirement, visit the link below from a Retirement Planning website:

Happiness in Retirement

How to Save Your Marriage - Tips

2008-04-15T12:12:00.002+01:00

For an article containing some tips on how to bring interest and romance back into your marriage if the love has gone a bit stale, visit the link below:

How to Save Your Marriage - Tips

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) in Adults

2008-04-08T11:48:00.004+01:00

Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD is perhaps most commonly identified as a condition affecting children and can go unnoticed in adults. I have recently come across a website by an adult with ADD which may provide some helpful information for other adults who think they may have attention deficit disorder. Please click below for further information:

Attention Deficit Disorder Adults

The Monogamy Myth - Book Review

2008-04-04T13:11:00.003+01:00

For a review of Peggy Vaughan's book about how people can deal with finding out that their partner has had an extramarital affair, click on the link below:

The Monogamy Myth - Book Review